最近很烦！

为什么最近这样烦，多tests到死，搞到我对college的活动不负责任，考试又少分，都不知道lecturer要什么。这个礼拜生日，是二十一岁的，但是偏偏这个礼拜最多tests，要在房间煲lecture notes粥，不能出去wet，妈的，Sien死。。

最近很free

超旧没写部落各了，不是懒惰，而是觉得没有这个必要。今天突然会写，也只是因为心中的郁闷，有时候真的不懂为什么自己这样废！空闲了又不会好好利用时间，总觉得有东西忙会使自己更有冲劲，更会利用时间。现在太过清闲了，整个人都好像很废，做什么都毫无意义，有东西等着去做的，但自己不肯起步，变得过分懒散！我需要一些东西来做，使自己忙一点，要给自己一点推动力，自己才会变得积极。不懂改天会不会变成工作狂？但愿如此！我希望自己是工作狂，赚多多钱来实现自己的梦想 – 去环游世界，买豪宅美车，让家人感到光荣！哈哈，毕竟还是个梦想啦。。

讲下最近发生的事，两个roommates都在忙，其实自己也有东西忙的，但总是很快就可以settle。所以就每天无所事事，在房间，又没有kaki出街，人缘不好吧，还是自己太挑剔？这样也好，可以帮自己省下钱。哈哈！但是自己这样free，身边的人每天都有节目，不知不觉自己好像被遗弃般，有时还蛮羡慕他们的。原来做真正的lubok是不容易的，除非我有女朋友咯。。有时别人会叫我找个女朋友，但要找到适合的不容易，而且自己还蛮享受单身的生活，这个话题就暂时搁置。但身边的朋友一直在讲着那些关于恋爱的是非，有时真的觉得很sien，看到那些不清不楚的，骂架收场的，为男女朋友而emo的，更sien。可能自己还没感受到，或是自己已有这样的感觉，并已经习惯了？有时候机会已经在眼前，但往往没有去把握，因为还是觉得恋爱真的不能当饭吃啊！蛮肯定的是，我不会是个好的选择，不想害人，哈哈！

最近bodycheck后，才发祥自己的身子出现小状况，要远离油腻的食物，很sien，自己最爱吃的就是煎炸的食物，健康的吃少，不健康的越爱吃，自残！而且还上更半夜才睡，不做运动，自杀式的生活习惯！妈妈每天call来唠叨，自己还是改不了，而且还嫌妈妈烦，不孝！咳，当然懂妈妈是关心我，她是全世界对我最好了，也不懂如何报答她。。惟有读好书，将来有一番作为，只是不懂有没有这样长命啦，做笑。

讲下GACC吧，它在去年年尾就已经落幕了。其实自己本身还蛮喜欢今年的感觉，风格不一样，改革了许多，在juniors的口中，他们都觉得很轻松，很enjoy，没有想象中那么忙。。很开心的，这也代表了十一个MTS的成功！要谢谢lihong和meishan，他们找到的product，我们都拿到很爽，哈哈！当然还有director的‘默默付出’，他真的很犀利，只是低调了少少。GACC MTS 不同的地方是，他们对自己的project都好像不会有很重的feeling，感觉上好像办完了就算，我也是其中之一，不懂这样算好吗？当然有时MTS一起出来玩的时候也蛮爽的，尤其是看lihong发癫！当了半年的GACC publication director，我真的没有后悔，而且‘获益’良多，就好像从下一年起，我们每年都有免费的五星酒店晚餐。

最近真的比较sien啦，希望过后的我能找回当初对生活的热情吧，也要improve一下自己的EQ，因为上次才骂人来。。对了，最近跟roommate买了一样款的新电话，越来越喜欢它，有了它，我就可以随时拍照了！要多谢文业的推荐，还有大奶zen的婆妈。。

早上四点了，KEN已睡到整只猪这样，明天没上课，可以继续废了！晚安！

间接的伤害

日子越来越难过了，很多东西都开始身不由己。虽说活在群体社会里，要凡是为大家而着想，但我看到的是自私自利。受苦的就是那些还傻傻循规依据的人。

虽然我并没有资格去讲，可能我也是自私的一群，但我真的很想看到改变，有些事情越去理会，越弄巧成拙，受害的往往是还没看透一切的人。

其实，纠纷的发生就是因为那自私的一群，也不要说因为别人自私而需要把自己变得自私点。不管别人怎样，最重要是做好自己的本分，对得起自己也对得起别人。虽然是吃亏了点，但起码还能问心无愧，状况发生了，我们还能堂堂正正的发言，不怕别人无证据的反驳。虽然先自私的人是不对，但那些后来变得自私的人又可以说是对吗？他们只会一味扩大那些先自私的人，过后就把它们来作为自己后自私的借口，五十步笑百步。当引起不和时，他们就会把先自私的人来‘垫底’，当然可以抱着自己的利益，但却害了不少的人。

一个人，假如在对自己不利的情况下还能坚持放下自己的私心，虽然可能对自己现在或将来是有吃亏，但我觉得在别人的眼中，他是被尊重的。

很矛盾的，我确实是没有做到这点，但我自问我又尝试去改，只是情况真的让我很为难，所以被我间接伤害过的朋友，我真的很抱歉！希望我们还能真心的和平相处，而不是面具待人。

一片烂的性情写照

星期六的晚上，很多人都不在这里，有些回家了，有些去游玩了。我一人呆在bbg，坐在最角落的地方，在这儿陪伴我的只有laptop，notes，和听不厌的英文歌。冷清的bbg,只有寥寥无几的juniors在各自忙各自的，相比平时多人吵杂的情形，现在清静简单得多了，感觉很不一样。越来越喜欢孤单的我，并不是换上忧郁症，只是有点厌倦群体生活里的应酬，想换个比较简单的环境来平衡自己的心理，重整自己的思绪。

在新的一个SEM里，不能否认自己的责任已增加，喜欢的，不喜欢的，或是被逼的，已不能由我自己去选择，要活在群体中，便要凡事为群体而着想，为群体的利益作为中心，没有所谓的自私和我行我素。对于新的juniors,从认识到引导，都有着新的体验。整体上，second year 的生活是另外一个新的挑战。状况会频频发生，不懂到时自己还应付得到吗？就当作是一个考验，一个对自己将来的训练。

跟朋友冷战了，心情低落了，也不懂是否值得。可能只有单方面的不开心，别人或许根本就不在乎。对于‘朋友’的价值观，见仁见智，也没有一定的评估，所以就算把朋友的位置放在最后一位，是没错的，但也别怪一厢情愿注重‘友情’的那位傻瓜，他也是无辜的。只是性格思想上的把戏，不合就没瘾了。友情是会死的，它的寿命是看两方面的造化，孤掌难鸣，无论多么的努力，换回来的只有被耍的滋味。哈，好烂得形容！朋友之间，最基本的信用都没了，挽救有用吗？算吧，别逞强了，结果是不会改变的，就由他，最起码还能保留自己的尊严和潇洒。当时间冲淡了一切后，最后剩下的，应该只有遗忘了。

暂时还没遇到有让自己心动的人，不如就趁这个机会，多专注于功课和project，别让自己违背了誓言后，又为过失而闷闷不乐了。老土的说法，佳人有约，就此搁笔！


还蛮喜欢这张照片的。。

Memories Rewind

It is already a week I am home for my holiday...All these days I seem like very useless, everyday watch series or listen songs, or else will hang out with friends, money wasting! Now I am really bankrupt! Don't really have enough money to indulge anymore, but somehow I don't know what else actually I can do for these 2 weeks instead of indulging...something meaningful to do? People say there usually is, just depend on if I want to dig them out...At home, no internet connection, no newspapers, all I have is just a multifunction laptop...It helps me a lot, in the sense of filling my free time...Studying for next sem? Not my style, I even don't know my result yet! What a troublesome finance system handled by UM...or maybe I was oblivious with the things happened within my course? Perhaps, I am not closed with my course mates. This is the thing I really need to improve. Let see what else can do at home, helping to do housework? Learn some cooking skills? If you are me, will you do this?? Haha, a "lazy" explain all unwillingness. I think what most people do in holiday is just almost similar with me...unless for those who are working. Unfortunately I can't work due to time constraint, my holiday is less than 1 month. Working with Papa isn't a good idea for me too, I'm totally not interested in rough works and what he does, some more he would not let me to do anything that really helpful, just simple "servant jobs" that what I call. Maybe I am too selective? Just deeply think that kind of job would not be suitable with my age, status, and capability.

Maybe I am 'void', so lots of my first year memory haunts my mind, vividly. Friends, projects, activities...

Let's talk about what projects I have joined.

GACC 13: Erm...It is a really good projects and a good opportunity to learn and gain experience. I could see how did seniors enjoy the process, and through GACC, they have a very strong bond between each other, but it is not for me...How reluctant it is, I won't give up doing my part cause I don't want to be the irresponsible one. I really enjoy in learning in GACC, but not the policy that being done...We had controversy and unsatisfactory, it was a hard time indeed. It was a miracle that we are able to run this international program with the shortage of time and man power. Really pity for those who have multi tasks, but they did great! After a long run, a taste of satisfaction and happiness are no longer practical for me, just a taste of relief that I could feel. For those who attended the post molten, I need to say sorry, and say thanks to those who support me...That time I was arrogant, but I was telling my true view...Thanks to my director chin yee, she is my tender 'mom'...

CNY coor: I really enjoyed the preparation, getting known with other coors, making jokes together. I feel relaxed maybe because it is informal one, and we don't have much limitation. That night, everything was running smoothly but the games that I created, stupid! I didn’t expect people would not be sporting. It made the coors around became stupid too...sad! But situation was still under control, luckily got ah Goh assist me, thanks again!

Feseni: Another activity that I was being irresponsible. I enjoyed in the beginning but getting bored with the frequent practices afterwards. Maybe it was not frequent, but most of the time of practice will clash with my plan which have been planned earlier, like my first clubbing, celebrating people birthday, all I needed to skip because of practice. I skipped class too because of my fatigue body in the next day of the practice day. And also the hairstyle, we are students, not artists, we didn’t have to sacrifice our images just for the sake of 3 minutes dance. Did I dance for my life? Professional dancer? It didn’t make sense that we didn’t have the right to reject...But somehow, I just couldn't say 'no'. People said I sacrifice for art, no, i sacrifice for my responsibility. I was angry. But when the stylist was about to shave my hair, I found there's nothing to be angry about, just being happy to face it and I did it. I enjoyed the period being botak...haha! And I need to say sorry to zee way, cause sometime I was quite 'bird', but she is the patient one.

Performances: Dancing in senior-freshies night, mitb...paiseh, the lame dance I created one, and I watched back the video, it was really lame! I didn’t blame any dancers, but the dance steps that I taught, is really lame! Sometimes I was quite mad in teaching, and sometimes I will laugh at those funny mistakes that people made, especially Cherry, now I am still laughing, haha, sorry ya! And I sang in GACC closing ceremony and matb 2. For GACC one, I just felt that there was not enough performances, so I decided to duet which is the easiest solution. Thanks for may fong be my partner, your voice is sweet, but sorry cause the great impact on us after the duet. Rumors!! Unbearable, from GACC till the whole college, never end! Come on la, don't spoil may fong market, I don't want to be blamed. And the matb2 one, nice appearance, sucks in singing. At first, there were 3 people sing with me, but at last left me alone, it needed a great courage to be solo, I just wanted to reject, but somehow, responsibility made me changed my mind. Hopefully it wasn't a washout!

MMK: It was a project I truly like. Although I wasn't a member, but I wished my little support have given a little help on your project...The closing was impressive! Good Job.

How about my friends then? Zen, Ken and Wern Yet, thank you all are my 2nd sem roommates. I know I am meticulous in cleanliness and neat but you all are really nice to bear with me! I won’t forget we used to have good time together, ordering mcdi, chit-chatting and play together if there was any, and sorry if I have done something wrong to you all ...Again, thanks for the wallet, it is nice! Joe, Suresh, Bear, May Fong and Cherry, you all looks like the children of Samantha, but don’t absorb her essence la...Cause will be very scary de...haha! Thanks for accompanying so much and I enjoyed those outings! Again, don’t laugh my English pronunciation o...And I have nothing to do with May Fong, don’t spoil her market la...My GACC mates, really enjoy working with you all, you all are very nice! Scold me if I am being irresponsible! I know it will be a very difficult process, but I really looking for the time when 11 of us sitting in the round table and having dinner together in the closing ceremony...and cheer for success. Gambateh...My course mates, unless Suresh, I think I am not that closed with others, but I really hope to improve that. Thanks for those who have helped me a lot in my studies, borrowing me homework, and informing me course information! They are helpful, arigato! And special for Shawn and Shok Kim, thanks for borrowing me printer and help me a lot in studies...

I really enjoyed my first year, I will always miss it...Especially Genting trip and Pangkor trip, so glad that I never felt outcast in both of this trip, I was totally relaxing and enjoying to the utmost, there were not any disappointment and I didn’t have any burden...Thanks for the coor and those who was being with me all the way...2nd year, I think I won’t have much time to enjoy and try something new anymore, I have two important tasks that I need to put them as priorities now – Studies and GACC 14...I regretted that I didn’t put my full concentration in studies and lead me to the worst result, I swear I won’t do the same mistakes in the upcoming sem...I can’t afford to lose my pointer again because of the temptations and activities...

I have gone too much, and there is no doubt that I have experienced the joy and grief, I will learn from the pass and make me fully prepared for the upcoming 2nd year. Who’d have known, when you flash up on my mind, I will not feel alone. Miss you, my first year!

闷上心来了

好久没写部落各了，趁今天心血来潮， 就写写吧！Stayback已有一个星期了，我就郁闷了一个星期。不是说没东西做，要做的是都很无趣，没东西做的时候更乏味！最开心的时候便是在宿舍里干活的时候，因为那里的internet特别强！看youtube更是不用等的，所以一面做proposal一面上网，很过瘾!最期待就是晚餐，每人都会轮流负责，没想到GACC的MT都蛮会煮菜的，美中不足的是不能多吃，因为大家都在省！其余在租屋里的时间便是一个字，‘闷’！不稳的wifi，炎热的天气使我一天要冲几次凉，没有私人空间，狭窄的房间使我透不过气！还有在这边很多陌生的脸孔，但还好有朋友陪着，不时作作笑，但仍然比较想回家去与家乡的朋友聚会，或上槟城与kmph的老友会面，总比这边好吧！咳，这样多complaint干什么？有的住都偷笑了!我就是这样了，时常都会不满这个，不满那个的，就如美贤所说的。哈哈，人是有要求嘛。。
GACC14的期望？没什么啦，只希望他顺利进行，希望每个MT都合作愉快，有这样能干的director，一定行！但我们这届更是波折连连，下个SEM的juniors会减少，真的要辛苦大家了！通过GACC，我想能巩固GACCMT之间的友情，但我更想与GACC以外的朋友维持感情。Joe和美凤这个星期四会在UM，那个傻cherry迫不及待要跟他们出街，真的好玩。但我也很想跟他们会会面，每天对着一样的人，会很闷咧！GACC，我还是暂时不能喜欢你啦，但我会很努力的尝试！只觉得你剥削了我的时间，虽然是一个很好的学习机会，一个能与更多人交际的平台，但还不能接受那过分付出而收获微薄的不平均，而且整个project都有很多东西不能暴光，合理的话就说刺激，不合理的话便是无聊了。虽然说背后有一定的原因，但还是不明白为何有时要这样做作。其实有时觉得既然有这样多的东西不适合自己，为什么还要参与呢？都怪自己上次因怕自己还不能stay宿舍，所以就索性买个保险，但没想到代价如其大。其实是可以开开心心的度过的，只要你enjoy当中的过程，但我尚未办到，心里其实还想着另外一些琐事。冠雄说得对的，我不该过分活跃，要顾好自己的学业，但有时就往往败在自己的心软，为了朋友而牺牲自己，有时而因为自己的责任感，因为我觉得责任感很重要，不可以连累他人！就算自己怎样不喜欢，也要为别人着想，但我真的有办到吗？我自己也不懂。我真的很欣赏某些人，话不多但却很能干，自己做了许多但没半句怨言。而我呢？做少少东西，有这样多complaint。
哇，怎么越讲越自责了？哈，要乐观！其实我真的很想听听身边的朋友对我的意见，因为我觉得自己有好多好多东西是不能跟别人比，是我自卑呢？还是在别人眼中我的确是如此？有些欣赏我的人，我也会觉得他们欣赏错人了，好滑稽。自己对自己发誓要改的东西，可是到最后又打回原形，本性真的这样难移吗？试想想，除了玩，还有什么比较建设性的兴趣呢？要强逼自己去喜欢一些自己不喜欢的东西，还是顺其自然？时机一到，兴趣便自然来？兴趣来了，岁月被蹉跎了。之前所谓的期望，已被自己当初的不积极而粉碎，最终便让人失望透底。
有时觉得自己什么都没了，但其实是自己没有去珍惜曾拥有的东西，或者是维持。就像驾驶着一辆高级跑车，只往终点拼命驶去，但却不曾看下倒后镜，自己到底已撞死了多少人，多少尝试叫我缓慢下来的人。终点还没到，自己已伤痕累累，没力了。
好想念自己当初天真的时候，现在思想都改变了，可以说是成熟吗？自己对自己的要求，是否过分的多？要学会知足了，不要总是羡慕身边的人，每人各有所长，没有人是完美的。要学会珍惜和喜欢自己拥有的东西，不可能拥有的，就由他吧！

普通日记

今天一整天都在浪费时间，虽然说是有翻翻笔记，但是还是觉得不够。觉得时间过得很快，还有一科最不可能明白的课程--surveying在星期二就要考了，都不懂在短短的两天内如何把半年的课程啃完，而且还是盲目地啃，根本就不明白，相信其它系友都有同感。而且教授从来没有给练习我们，作答时一定很不熟手！在这样短的时间内把所有的东西背起来根本是不可能的，唯有碰下运气，选觉得有机会会出的东西来读，做pass year，只要及格就行了！